Unit 2 Story
Felix Fonchero-Sanchez was the manager of the Gap. It was his job to welcome all the new employees. Today was a special day for Felix because three new employees were about to begin a wonderful part-time career at his happy Gap.
“Hola, my friends! Welcome to the Gap!” Felix had a smile as big as a cat’s! “Working at the Gap is like entering into a covenant with The Big Man Upstairs to make every person that walks in here feel special. Do you think all of you can do that?” Felix still had a smile as big as a cat’s.
Firpo, Hemo, and the amazing Benito Dingus stared at each other. They were hovering between two very different emotional states: apathy and utter horror.
“Soooo?” Apparently Felix wanted an answer.
In a fairly dry, but not too disgusted tone, Hemo replied, “You betcha, Felix, my boy.”
“Okay, well great! Before I give you the tour, would you each take a zippy little moment and read this teensy-weensy letter. It’s from Jack Gap, the owner of this great place. Hey, did you know that he was once a lieutenant in the Old Navy??? Huh? Huh? Did ya’? Anyhow, here you go.”
Felix passed out the letters with such celerity that Firpo could feel a small gust of wind blow by him in Felix’s wake.
They all began to read the letter:

Dear New Customer Care Outfitters,

Welcome to the Gap. I just want to take this opportunity to let you in on some of our basic policies. First, never accost the customers. If they feel threatened, they may bite you. Just kidding! Accost away! Make them feel pressured into making a purchase.
Second, avoid doing anything that might be considered devious. It’s not a good idea to do anything underhanded or shady. However, and this is just between you and me, if you think a customer won’t notice, go ahead and overcharge! That twelve-dollar belt, why, there’s nothing wrong with making it an even twenty! Yippee! And don’t forget to save their credit card number!
Third, try to entice the customer to purchase our new line of bottled water. Tell them it is the finest spring water in the world, but don’t tell them that it’s really brackish tap water from rusty pipes. I have a small group of homeless children round up a batch for me each week! I give them irregular socks in return!
Fourth, try to avoid being too calm around the customer. They come to us with the hope that we might actually liven up their otherwise dull, empty lives. Don’t be afraid to lay on the annoying histrionics when holding up a sweater. Move it around! Make it dance! Every little bit of theatrics might force the customer into grabbing that sweater out of your hands and make a hasty purchase!
Fifth, you don’t need to be “super nice”. Feel free to criticize the customers. Let them know that the clothes they wear are out of style. Find out what they do for a living and then laugh at them. Hurl all the animadversions you want at them. As our saying goes, “criticism equals commission”.
Sixth, every season is wool season! Sure, the customer thinks that wool is too warm and itchy for those hot summer days, but you just need to let them know that you’re an avid believer in the cooling power of wool. Aahhh, wool, so cool.
Seventh, it’s a bit of a misconception that shopping has to be a halcyon experience. Most stores keep their background music low, but we here at the Gap love to throw caution into the wind. Crank that CD player up! Burn their ears! Melt their pea-sized brains! Destroy their calm universe and sell them something made out of wool!
Welcome to the Gap family!

Sincerely,


Jack Gap
Former lieutenant, Old Navy

Benito Dingus was near tears. “I don’t know about you guys, but I find Mr. Gap’s comments a bit incendiary. I mean, really, he’s not at all about making the shopping experience enjoyable; in fact, he would rather drop a bomb on his customers, watch them burn, and then offer them some wool to cool them off. I don’t know if this is the place for me.”
“Look,” stated Hemo, wiping away his tears, “we have to consider this a gambit on our part. Let’s give it a couple of weeks and by then, with a little bit of retail experience, we may be able to get the jobs we really want.”
“Okay, but I’m not making any sweaters dance!”

Two weeks later…


“I’m done, boys. I can’t stand working in this atmosphere anymore. It’s like a maelstrom and I’m getting out. Are you guys with me on this?”
Firpo and Hemo looked at one another. They knew they agreed with Benito, but they had just finished reading another letter by Mr. Gap. Instead of saying anything, they passed a copy of the letter to Benito and he immediately began to read:

Dear Minions,

I will not waste my time and say anything polite when I ultimately don’t mean it, so let me just get right down to all of my pejorative remarks that I have for all of you.
You are all a bunch of myopic little wool wearing Weeble-Wobbles! It always amazes me that no one ever has the foresight to see that working for me is on par with getting your paycheck signed by Beezlebub.
Any of you that have ever questioned the propriety of peddling rusty tap water and wool sweaters year round has never owned a company. It is MY job, MINE, to determine what goes as policy. So, here’s a tip that I’d like to propound: If you’re not me, then keep your little insignificant mouth shut.
From this day forward I am making the following policy #1:
If any employee is brought to my attention for committing an act of sacrilege, he or she will be summarily fired. What does that mean? Well, it means wool is to be sold all year round, even in the sweltering heat. Disregard that rule and you’re out of here!
Let me make the following recommendation that might make your stay in my forced labor camp a bit more tolerable: Behave as though you are one of my humble servants. Conduct yourself as a suppliant and we will get along swimmingly. However, any overt attempt at disobeying my policies and no talisman, no lucky rabbit’s foot, will save you. So, sell that water! Shake those sweaters! Make them undulate to and fro like the waves in the ocean.
And remember: you belong to me!!!!

Love and kisses,


Jack Gap
Current drill sergeant, Old Navy


Benito folded up the letter and placed it in the left pocket of his shorts. Without saying a word, he turned toward the sweater table, grabbed an extra-large black-watch plaid v-neck and made it dance like John Travolta. It bumped. It grinded. And in less than a minute, seven customers rushed to the table to get one of their own. Summer was never better.